Heroin

I am slashing any hopes of academic grandeur this quarter right now. I just waited half an hour to be stood up for the second day in the row for this one Proseminar. I had another class this morning, and after eating at the Mensa and riding home for a nap, I was worried I would get to this second class embarassingly late. Instead I ended up walking a little early and sitting next to a girl who returned the feeble smile I was trying out. I sat there for aforementioned 30 minutes and watched the room fill to beyond its 40 person capacity, and when I imagined myself having to do a Referat (oral report, which besides term papers is the common way to receive a grade for a class here) for this class, to have to stand up in front of all these History students who all apparently knew one another- it was just too painful of a thought. If I am getting to know myself better through this experience at all, its that I know forcing myself through this class would have not been worth it. I think I need to save Proseminare for next semester when participation in a small class setting (the root word of seminar should make sense to you here) does not make me want to buy the next ticket back to California. As I write this I am trying to decide if I got up and left while the class was still mostly full (only a few people had gotten up and left at this point, I don't know what it was that the rest of the people knew that I didn't) because I had thought this through correctly, or if I am just making excuses. But wimp or not, I think its more important for my mental health to forget about how others are trying to prove their intellectual ability through taking difficult courses at the Uni here- because I think just by showing up and listening to a professor rattle off German I am doing more than I could. I forsee myself getting tangled up in knots enough about the stresses of just basic classes, letalone ones where on the first day you hear a girl a couple of seats down from you telling her neighbor about the supposed difficulty of this class. And that is difficult for Germans, not for other international students (of which I've already met one from Denmark and one from the Czech Republic today). There is also something weird about having to take this class in conjunction with another class if you are in the History major... which I technically am here, but since I am still an exchange student I am still not sure if those playing rules apply to me. The other class just so happens to be the other History class I was most interested in, but I didn't really allow for my schedule to fit two History classes this semester, and I know that right now two Proseminare would have sent me to an early death. The plan is to take one History course this semester and then two next semester, when I can handle it better, since I can only transfer three courses from this entire year to my major. Its kind of lame that for being gone the equivalent of three semesters I am only going to get degree credit like I am just doing one quarter, but on the flipside this year I have some freedom just to search around and take courses that sound interesting. Courses that sound interesting... and that I can imagine someone with the language skills of a second grader passing. Just to beat this subject to death, I think its more important for me to take courses this semester that will actively improve my German (I say active because one could rightly argue that taking anything in German would improve my language skills). There is a Vorlesung (lecture) starting next Monday that I believe Rita and some other people are checking out, and it sounds relatively interesting... and the fact that I would know someone helps so much, as well. I think its also a good idea to nix today's Proseminar (about Pompeii), so that when the opportunity arises again for me to learn about that segment of History (which I remember being interested in for a long time... I remember having to do some writing about the Mt. Vesivius eruption in Mrs. Richardson's class, which was probably like 7th grade?) I don't groan and have to retell a daunting story about how my stomach ulcer came to be because I took a class about that in German. There will likely be more than enough time to cram a bunch of terminology I'd probably never use but in a class offered in the "Old History" section next semester.

Speaking of 7th grade, the single successful class I've had today might just turn out to be really good. The class is called Kreatives Schreiben (creative writing) and is taught by this small, sweet woman who reminds me of the sort of would-be hippie professor that I'd have in Santa Cruz. The class is really small, and is unfortunately more than half Californian students (even more unfortunate, not even the ones I really like), but more people might show up next week. But I got a good feeling about her, and it doesn't sound like the work load is going to be outrageous.

I guess one thing I should point out about the university system here is that classes generally only meet once a week (the exception that I've noticed is the German as a foreign language classes, of which I will take at least one.... two if I hate everything else that I am checking out this week), and they all seem to be very LONG. I've only had two classes so far (though I've gone to four, so much for German punctuality and precision), but everything on my list is either two or three hours long. I guess for only one class meeting a week that isn't bad, just very different from what I'm used to.

The class I had yesterday is sponsered by the Californian study center (so its only for us), and is taught by the professor for the Unterstufe (lowest class of ILP). I like her because I already sort of know her, and she is very nice and accomodating, but the pace might be a little slow... I need to know by this upcoming Monday if I'll stay or not. I think pretty much anything I am going to be taking here is going to help me out, and I know everyone in this class, I know the professor, the courseload seems like it won't be too bad... but I'm not sure. I think that generally I am not here to drive myself to the brink of insanity over courses, its just a little difficult when you are surrounded by these people who won't shut up about how smart they are. I think I am just sort of trying to figure out what I want this semester to be for me. I have the feeling that even if I took classes that everyone thought were easy I'd still be doing a lot of work, but being sick for three straight months (and I woke up with a sore throat today, go figure) and wracked with worry up until the semester break doesn't fit into EAP's scheme of this being "the best year of my life." I am having to reevaluate my goals for this year, and the difficult part is seperating them from everyone else's. The idea of working for the UN, or living here again after this year, or going to some other country next year, or the year after and learning another language and roughing it there--- these are all great ideas but I am not really sure how I see myself fitting into any of them. Ever since I got old enough to, its been hard for me to marry optimism and reality. Things I do know: I want to have enough free time that I can travel- I am literally in the middle of Europe and now that I've gotten my feet wet, its like waiting for presents on Christmas. I want to have enough time that I can do some extracurriculars- there are two dance courses I am hoping will fit into my schedule, and there is such a variety of stuff offered that I feel like I am wasting myself if I don't use this opportunity to take something different (Jacky is pushing for Capoeira... I am not sure if its called the same in English, but apparently its some afro/brazilian dance/martial art). I want to have enough time that I can make some real friendships with people here- I am amazed daily with the variety of countries that students here come from. So reading this over now.... yeah, maybe school should be more auxiliary than I was previously thinking. I have spent the past two years of college so wrapped up in getting good grades and thereby proving myself as an intellectual being (I've been ignoring the fact that grades in college do not translate to intelligence, by any means) that I have probably missed a lot of opportunities that I probably just didn't see come my way. But its difficult, because how do you balance the knowledge that there is so much money being poured into your education with the reality that college is really more than about what you're reading in books? And there is always another year of study waiting in Santa Cruz for me, where I will be taking at least two classes per quarter for my major, just to graduate on time. For the other open courses my senior year I am planning on either searching out some upper-level German course that doesn't sound too boring (unfortunately I don't think there are really that many of them, and the ones I do remember sound like they could be a little below my level by the time I get back), or take a year of another language, just for kicks. Colina and I have already promised each other about seeing Machu Picchu.

So all in all it comes down to that basic quest for determining what one should do because they think they should, or what one should do because that is what is going to make them a happy and fufilled individual. I don't know if this is supposed to make me feel better or worse, but knowing that this is yet a topic in the lives of people with far more life experience and years behind them than I is something to remember.

More and more I feel that I just want to spend the next couple of years seeing new places and writing in train cars.